Intro to Overwatch Classes

This Intro to Overwatch Classes guide is to help you, the beginner, decide on which class to play. In Overwatch, there are four different class types: Offense, Defense, Tank, and Support. Let's get started.

Intro to Overwatch Classes - Offensive

intro to overwatch classesGanja is a robot ninja with a sword. For this reason, he should be the only character you play. If that’s not enough, you can also shoot ninja stars and you can jump more. The best part about Ganja is that he is a ninja that can hit stuff with his sword and make it hurt the people who shoot it. He can also cap control points. His ultimate lets him use his really big sword, which he can’t normally use because the game would be over. Future expansions will give him numchuks and he will be able to turn invisible, making the best character even better.

Mickey is a cowboy, but in a good way. He can’t really do stuff, but he’s cool. His gun makes people die fast or really fast. He can roll for a little bit, but then his back hurts. He has a firecracker that he can throw that makes his enemies stop and think. If you fall off a cliff, he can’t fly back up, so watch your step. For his ultimate, he tells you what time it is and then everyone dies. Future expansions will give him some Icy Hot for his back pain.

Samus is from Metroid, but this time she has a jet pack and flies around. Her arm cannon is stuck in missile mode, so she doesn’t have the Ice Beam. You also can’t tank with her because she doesn’t have the Varia Suit. If she falls off a cliff, she can fly back up, so she’s a good noob pick. During her ultimate she flies up and shoots a lot of missiles at once, then she dies, but usually it’s worth it. Future expansions will give her the Varia Suit and Ice Beam.

Soldier 69 is boring as hell. He doesn’t do anything except run. Gee, thanks. He can shoot, too, but you have to aim, though sometimes you don’t have to. He has an egg that he can put on the floor and if you stand in the yolk, it heals you. If you right-click, you can kill yourself. During his ultimate, he hits everything on the screen, unless you’re out of bullets, which you usually are. I don’t recommend him. Future expansions will give him better shoes so he can run faster.

RuPaul is really tough. Sometimes you can shoot him forever and he won’t die. He just flies around laughing at you and he won’t even shoot back because he’s laughing so hard. Then he’ll disappear and you’ll be dead. He likes making people dead. It’s like he’s the angel of death or something. For his ultimate, he spins around and makes everyone dead. Future expansions will give him a scythe to kill people with ‘cause that would be sweet.

Tracy sucks. I hate her. She is for cheaters. You can’t kill her no matter how long you run after her, and even if you get close, she puts a bomb on you and you die. Then she laughs and says something about Cheerios. I guess it’s her favorite cereal. Whatever, banana bitch. Future expansions will give her ebola so she can rot in the ground like she deserves.

Intro to Overwatch Classes - Defensive

Bastard is basically Megatron. Like literally. He can walk and then turn into a gun and shoot people. Each bullet is an instant kill. He’s also kind of a cheater because you can’t kill him, unless you get really close, but you can’t because he shoots you and you die. Oh, also he has a self-heal, which is dumb because he never takes damage. You should never play anything except Bastard. His ultimate lets him turn into a tank that kills people in one hit. This is balanced by the fact that he usually kills himself during that time. Future expansions will let him turn into a helicopter with a thousand rockets.

Gonzo is Ganja’s stupid brother. He wishes he was a badass robot ninja, but he’s not. He walks around, like “I have a bow!” Yeah, you tell me what’s better? A bow or a ninja sword? I thought so. I could say more about him, but what’s the point? He can climb walls, too, big deal. During his ultimate, he says something about Steve Carell and then dragons fly out. WTF? Future expansions will remove him from the game ‘cause he sucks.

Jumprat is the bomb. He shoots bombs with his bomb shooter and they bounce around like hot potatoes. If they blow up, they really hurt. Sometimes he puts down a bomb with a remote control that he can use to jump. That’s why they call him Jumprat. He also has a bear trap that he borrowed from Wile E Coyote. Put it down under the car, and when the car moves, people get stuck and you can shoot them with your potato gun. For his ultimate, he has a tire from a truck he borrowed from Macho Man Randy Savage. He can drive it with his remote and blow it up, too. Basically, he likes explosives. Future expansions will give him those bowling ball bombs with fuses that he also borrows from Wile E. Coyote

Meh is annoying. She looks stupid in her coat and her legs look like she had polio growing up. Still, she can freeze people and shoot them with icicles, which hurts more than you’d think. The best use for Meh is to put up ice walls to keep your friends from capping a control point. They get so mad, it’s so funny. I don’t know what her ultimate is because she’s so boring to play. Future expansions will give her a Snow Cone maker because who doesn’t like Snow Cones?

Toblerone is a dwarf that accidentally stepped through a portal in Ironforge. Luckily, he knows how to build sentry guns because he can’t shoot good or hurt anyone. He makes armor for people, who are like, “Thanks?” but he leaves it in inconvenient spots, so it’s worthless. If his gun gets destroyed, you might as well switch characters because you suck. For his ultimate, he chugs a gallon of Dwarven ale and beats the shit out of everyone. Future expansions will give him plans to build a gyrocopter so he can fly back to Azeroth.

Windowwasher has boobs, so there’s that. She also has a gun which really hurts if you hit someone with it. The problem is that you can’t hit anyone with it because they move around all the time. The best strategy is to just shoot at the same place over and over again in the hopes that someone will walk in front of it. Sometimes you get lucky. She also has a bomb that she can make, but it doesn’t do anything. I think it’s supposed to scare people away. Her ultimate is stupid. It’s let you see through walls, but you can’t shoot through walls, so what good is it? Future expansions will give her a squeegee for the windows.

Intro to Overwatch Classes - Tanks

Beaver is a girl that flies around in a mechanical frog and shoots bullets at people. She’s the best noob character because you never have to reload. Also, if she falls off a cliff, she can fly back, unless she’s out of gas. She has some kind of shield thing that she can use, but she can’t shoot, so why would you use it? For her ultimate, she can blow up her frog, but then she gets killed, too, so it’s a bit of a gamble. Future expansions will turn her frog into a chicken, which makes more sense because a chicken can actually fly for a little while, if you throw it.

Ramhard is in the wrong game. He doesn’t have a gun, folks! It’s not loaded, either. He does have a hammer, so I guess he never heard that saying, “Don’t bring a hammer to a gun fight.” Still, he has a magical shield that he can put up that dies in two seconds. Also, he can activate a jet pack to fly across the map, but usually you just end up flying off the end of the world, so unless you like suicide, don’t use it. While he doesn’t have a gun, he can sometimes throw a bowl of soup across the map, and it burns if it hits you. His ultimate is using his hammer, but a little harder. Wow. Future expansions will give him a gun because obviously.

Roadhouse is the fat guy that ate himself to death in the movie Se7en. He has a gun made out of parts he found working at the factory. He also has a chain that he can use to go fishing. If you hit someone with it, you can pull them close to you, but it’s dumb because you can’t hit them unless they’re already close to you. Even though he’s fat, he’s also pretty dumb, as seen by the fact that he wears his sleep apnea mask all the time. He keeps a flask in his back pocket that he can use for a little pick-me-up when he’s hurt. For his ultimate, he jams a bag of peanuts into his gun and kills everyone with them. Future expansions will give him gastric bypass surgery.

Space Kong is what happens when game developers smoke weed. He’s a gorilla scientist with a jetpack. I’m not making that up. He can jump around like an idiot, which can hurt if you’re dumb enough to get hit by a flying monkey. His gun sucks, but it’s good to use if you also happen to be high, ‘cause you don’t really need to aim it. And if you’re really high, you can throw down a shield and just sit in it until you come down, so there’s that. His ultimate kills his buzz, so he gets pissed off and goes literally apeshit. Future expansions will give him a banana-shaped vape pen.

Zorro doesn’t look anything like he does in the comics. I guess he was updated for the 21st century. He has a gun that doesn’t do any damage, unless you use your shield. But, if you use your shield, you’re probably dead, and if you don’t use it, then no one is around, so it doesn’t matter. His ultimate throws out a disco ball that makes everyone gather around and dance, then you can shoot them. Future expansions will give him a mask and sword because he’s fucking Zorro!

Intro to Overwatch Classes - Support

Loser, like Ramhard, is in the wrong game. He auditioned to be in Dance Dance Revolution, and frankly we don’t have the heart to break it to him. So, he skates? around with his ghetto blaster, and sometimes he’s helpful. Thankfully, you don’t really need to do anything with him, except not die, which is made easier by the fact that you have rollerblades to fly around on. My friend told me that he can skate on walls, but that’s just bullshit. His ultimate is like that cool part in the Harlem Shake when everyone just goes nuts. Actually, he’s pretty cool. Future expansions will give him a third beat to drop, hopefully one that does damage because that gun is awful.

Symcity is a healer that doesn’t heal. Um, thanks? Her special ability is to shoot shields, which would be good if they weren’t gone in two seconds. “Thanks for the shields, but I’m dead now, so they’re useless.” She can put up sentry turrets, which are also pointless because they are either too far away to actually shoot, or they are dead because they have one hit point. For her ultimate, you can put up a teleporter for the other team to destroy, or you can just sit there doing nothing because you already used your ultimate. Future expansions will make her look hotter, which she needs apparently because she’s not in any of the Overwatch porn videos.

Murphy is the only real healer in the game. You click on people and they become less dead. That’s how a healer is supposed to work. She has a gun, too, but if you switch to it, you should be kicked out of the game. You’re there to heal or die! She has wings, too, which is cool because she can fly around a bit, but if she falls off a cliff, then she’s dead because they’re the flying squirrel type. Her ultimate lets her bring people back to life, which is dumb because if she was doing her job, they wouldn’t be dead. Future expansions won’t give her anything because she’s fine the way she is, now shut up and heal!

Robo-Gandhi is what happens when an Indian guy sings “Iron Man” at karaoke. The first thing to know is that he’s got a nice set of balls. He can rapidly shoot them at his enemies, or he can charge them up to deliver one big load, which is usually enough to kill them. In addition, he has two very special balls. His left one can provide a soothing, continuous heal to a teammate, while the right one can infect an enemy, causing it to take more damage. For his ultimate, he can turn himself into one great big giant ball, washing over his team and healing them. Future expansions will give him a couple more balls and an extra hand to juggle them.

Hopefully this Intro to Overwatch Classes has helped you choose your character to start with. We mentioned that Murphy is the only real healer, I want to make note that you have to be a special type of person to play any support type character, but playing a dedicated healer takes nuts. You're going to be the target of, well, everyone.

Intro to Overwatch Classes written by  Smacksay - Leave your comments and questions below!

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